I Was...

Surprised at how much fun I had today.

I find myself trying to figure out relationships. Men and Women. Women and Women. Men and Men. I haven't really had a SERIOUS relationship. My longest relationship still stands at 2 months with this woman that I really didn't get to know too well. We ended because I just didn't feel we were going anywhere.

My last "relationship" lasted about...well, wow two months. But the last month was shit. I think it was pretend at that point. We never saw each other and he stopped txting and calling. So whatever.

I find myself thinking about sex alot. Not really having sex, but trying to understand it. I have only had sex with one woman. The man i tried to have sex with...well it was just a disaster.

The first time he couldn't get hard and I ended up giving him oral which didn't get him hard and he blamed the alchohol. Thanks, Buddy.

The second time it was the same problem, but he brought a porn. I guess he thought that would help. I felt like there was something wrong with me. A guy who was known to sleep with anyone....wouldn't sleep with me. It killed my self esteem. Especially when I found out that he was sleeping with my best friend at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have fallen in love with him.

So i guess I just don't get the relationship thing. I don't know how to act in "dating" situatioins. I find myself falling for people and getting nothing back.

I have learned to be content single.

But today was something different...I think..

I Never...

Know how to come out to people. Sometimes it's easy. Other times I feel like I'm giving a speech.

How do you explain to people exactly what a Pansexual is? It's so much easier to just say Bi-sexual. Though I don't feel Bi-sexual. I would love to date a cross-dress or fellow Genderqueer.

I love people who are just true to themselves. It helps me be true to myself. Awhile back I was dating a guy who wanted to give me a make over. Which I asked him what he meant by that. Basically he wanted me to be more girly. Which I found myself able to pull off. Which lead me to feel like I was being this character. Like I was putting on a costume every time we went off. I felt myself almost doing a check list.

Earings (check), Perfume (check), High Heels (check)

When really I wished I could have just wore my regular converse and my regular t-shirt with my regular jeans. I felt like I had to impress him. When my personality should have been good enough. I had never dated someone like him before and I guess he had made me feel normal. Though what the hell is normal anyway. More so who said I wanted to be it.

Needless to say I was relieved when we broke up. My girly-ness faded away and I'm happy again.

I've Had...

A love/hate relationship with my boobs ever since I've had them.

Some days I totally dig them. Other days I want to bind them.

When I turned 18 I seriously thought of getting a breast reduction. I don't have small boobs. They are double D's. I'm also 6'1. So they go with my body. I suppose it was also at age at 18 that I began to think about a sex change in general. It would always go back to just wanting a breast reduction. I got over that for awhile. Every once and awhile I go back to thinking about it. Though when I'm in my "girl mode", i totally dig them. They make me feel like a girl. Then again when I'm in "boy mode", I think they make me feel fake.

Most of my life I have spent fearing that I would look like a boy. My mother instilled in me that I had to look a certain way or boys wouldn't like me. When I did look like a boy my mother would be the first to tell me so. Most of the time in a yelling manor.

So it was my fear that I would look like a boy. When I was in high school I felt that I always had to wear make up or I would look like a boy.

Now that I am older I don't care. I haven't cared for awhile. Sometimes I want to look like a boy. Is that wrong? Because some days it feels right.

I was..

Born a female.

I've often heard people say "He/She didn't choose to be born" when referring to their children or other people's children. What people don't realize is that true we didn't choose to be born, but we also didn't choose what gender we were born.

We have no control of what gender we are born and yet we are forced to abide by these gender rules. Our mothers put us in skirts if we are girls. Little suits if we are boys. We are bought barbies. Or we are bought trucks.

We are expected to like or do certain things. Things that are instilled in us in an early age.

When girls are tomboys majority of the time they are expected to "grow out of it" by the time they hit puberty.

Softer boys are expected to toughen up and be men.

Clothes are merely clothes. Humans created clothes. Humans created fashion. So why is it that we are forced to wear what is "normal" for our gender? When was it decided that men wear this or women wear that?

I was born a female....It wasn't my choice.